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My vajayjay loves you, Rep. Akin!

My vajayjay loves you, Rep. Akin!

I love you, Rep. Todd Akin!
(Uterus graphic courtesy of http://www.canstockphoto.com/)

I love Rep. Todd Akin. He is one badass, maverick mutha. He’s the honey badger of conservatives, the most fearless of them all. He’s an expert digger with no regard for any other animal whatsoever – hell, he’ll dive right into a swam of bees, get stung a hundred times and keep on going! Honey badger don’t care! He don’t give a shit! His party’s candidates for the White House are urging him to drop out of his race, and he won’t do it. Honey badger don’t care! Bad. Ass. Mutha.

I can’t figure out why everyone is hating on this guy. Don’t get me wrong – I’m still a pro-choice, bleeding heart liberal, living the pro-choice, bleeding heart liberal lifestyle (which seems to consist mostly of grocery shopping, paying taxes, reading lots of David Sedaris, and going to hell), and I still count myself as an ally to my very het-up handbasket co-residents. But I feel kind of like the only sober person at a Phish concert (been there, done that), looking around with my eyebrows raised and coming to the conclusion that I am seeing something very different than everyone else.

And I’m not talking about the naked guy standing outside. (Phish, Lake Placid, December 1995)

Okay, so Akin said a dumb thing. An inflammatory, ignorant, hatefully stupid thing. But all of that is distracting us from the real issue here. Because smack dab in the middle of that dumb thing he said, was one, incredible nugget – a bit of insight so profound, it has given me a completely new outlook on the female reproductive system. An outlook based on fear. And respect. And underneath that, excitement. Because once we learn to harness the power contained in this small nugget of truth, ladies, the world will be ours.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the beginning and we can skip down this path of logic and cosmic-powers-in-an-itty-bitty-living-space together.

“First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

-Rep. Todd Akin, Unwitting Catalyst, Women Rule the World Now

Here it is. The quote upon which a new world order will be built. Please note the key phrases:

“From what I understand from doctors”


“The female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down”

Since I’m certain that Rep. Akin’s truthiness and scienceyness are without reproach, what we have here is a confirmed, medical fact about women’s bodies: Somewhere in the female reproductive system there is exists a mechanism that can singlehandedly, at will, annihilate an army of sperm.

An army of sperm. Gone. BAM! Just like that.


How is such a thing possible? (For purposes of expediency, we’ll overlook the ideological implications of God having outfitted women with the ability to invoke the biological equivalent of a morning-after pill.)

After much pondering, I realized there was one explanation. What’s the only thing that’s able to singlehandedly defeat innumerable enemies, against incredible odds?



The medical establishment has been keeping an amazing secret from us: Our girly bits have superpowers!

But what are they? Can our eggs become invisible or conduct evasive maneuvers at the speed of light? Can our cervices (did you know that’s the plural of cervix? I totally didn’t.) crush sperm to death with the strength of one hundred men? I couldn’t figure it out. So I did some research.

And in the midst of my research, I found this:

This is seriously real. I re-created the image because of copyright whatever, but if you do a Google image search for lasers, you will find this actual, for-real graphic of a laser beam device.

As a reminder, the female reproductive system looks like… oh, wait. It looks just like the fucking laser.


Now, think about this for a second… If we can figure out how to make these lasers work on command, and not only when we’re being subjected to a legitimate forcible rape (defining characteristics: black eye and floor-length skirt), ladies, we will be unstoppable. We’ll take the local governments first, then the states and the whole damned nation. From there, the world. Hell, the universe. Who’s going to stop us? Every time we do a jumping jack we’ll be unleashing great waves of destruction upon any enemies stupid enough to be within thigh-sight.

There will be chocolate and an endless supply of pool boy manservants. We’ll settle disputes over wine and and viewings of Notable Vagina Monologues (Eve Ensler will be forced to re-name it, since the new law of the land will be all vagina monologue, all the time). We’ll have all that and more.

By the power of our great, twatty laser beams, I say that we shall have it all.

And it’s all due to Rep. Todd Akin, for tipping his hand and letting us in on the secret that the medical establishment has been keeping from us all this time.

Thank you, Rep. Akin, from the bottom of my lasery cooch!

One Comment
  • Susan B

    September 5th, 2012 at 1:19 PM

    Gorgeous commentary. Humorous wit is so much more powerful than bold faced ignorance!

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